July 18, 2005


Last year, when we had plenty of time, my friends and I would write things called "Theories." They would be about us and our friends when we became adults. This particular one was written by Steve and I:

Crazy USA

Chapter One (Hillary’s)

After Hillary had been married to JPL for some time she decided to call her old buddy up on the phone. "Hey Liz?" She said "remember our 8th grade yearbooks?" Lindsey put Hillary on hold and read Hillary's message about world domination. They began to reminisce when Hillary couldn't hold it in. "Uncle Eric is staying at my house for a week!" Lindsey squealed! She had always wanted to meet the infamous Eric, DDR, bagpipes and all. She packed her bags and headed to the USA on a business trip. Once in Texas she and Hillary (who got a babysitter) went out to Spring Creek Barbeque to discuss their plans. "We are going to need help." Lindsey said. "We are going to need Randall’s help." Hillary finished. She looked up her old buddy on schoolmates.com and found his phone number. They called him and told him the plan. "Excellent!" he said leaning back in his huge arm chair. He met them in Washington DC to make a plan. Since 9th grade he had gotten a spray on tan and a new wardrobe. They discussed their plans of making the new Commie government controlled by President Steve. They convinced the secret service to help them by giving them what they really wanted, money. Hillary ran into the oval office with a roll of clear packing tape. Steve was asleep, drooling on the desk covered in papers. She took the tape and taped him to the chair and his face to the desk. She put some big noise-blocking ear phones on him and taped the door shut. Climbing out the window and into another room where the first lady, Hannah, was knitting she attacked her with the packing tape. She screamed as the secret service sat eating donuts and talking about life. Randall rigged up the satellite dish and put Lindsey on every TV in America's screen. "Never fear America, the cavalry is here!" A loud cheer could be heard coming up from the American streets and the three burned the Communist manifesto sitting in place of the constitution. It was a happy day for all, especially the secret service, because they got the Krispy Creams.

Chapter Two (Steve’s)
Using only one piece of tape like a conservative would do, Steve easily got up from the desk and crawled out the window. Steve very tired grabbed a cup of joe and turned off the power stopping the satellite signal entirely. Steve then walked into his walk in closet and grabbed a extra copy of the communist manifesto, leaving 5000 copies of it left. Stephen being the communist that he was decided to grab tape and get Hillary back. After sneaking around to find her, he noticed her snooping around for a power switch. Since communism is all about sharing, and being equal Stephen thought he should put the tape on equally throughout her body plastering her against the wall. The guards sitting there watching laughed and ate more and more donuts until falling asleep from the vast amount of food consumed. Now that communism was back in order Stephen was going to dress up as bush and choke on his favorite type of pretzel while sending the video to NBC where it was posted throughout there nightly lineup. What a great night for communism.

Chapter Three (Hillary’s)
Seeing as Hillary apparently was saving of tape so she could kill her other enemies and the ozone by burning the tape later. Steve used an equal amount on her. She hopped down from the wall and made a plan with her bounty hunter, Mr. Vieira. He loaded up his holsters and trucked down to where Steve was pretending to be Bush, for some weird reason. He caught him with no trouble at all, since being a Communist he had never learned self defense. Hillary Lewis, Randall the Cool, and Lindsey Pilot paid him a fine sum. He bought DDR and never made anyone do another science warm-up again. In fact they all became best of friends! Now that Steve was locked away in a cell underground, doomed to play Paranoia Eternal on heavy for the rest of his life, the world would be at peace under the capitalist government of the Power Squad!

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